Drugs can be good. Drugs can be bad.

Drugs helped me cope for years before I was diagnosed with ADHD.

I medicated with caffeine. That helped keep my focused. And later in life, in my 30’s, I found that marijuana helped level me out.

Strattera gave me my first experience of what other people feel when they accomplish a task.

The first snow of 2007 was thick and heavy, with no warming trend predicted to help with the melt. Once the plows had done the street, grudgingly, I grabbed the shovel from the basement, put on a hat and gloves and went out to at least clear a path for the mail delivery person.

Once the sidewalk and steps were clear, I stopped for a minute and decided I’d at least clear enough space for my roommate’s 4×4, even though she could easily have barrelled up the driveway.

With space for her car made, I stopped for a minute and decided I’d make enough space for at least one more car in case anyone came by for visit.

Little by little, breaking the task up into manageable sections, I looked around and I’d cleared the whole long driveway.

Then the magic happened.

For the first time in my entire life, I felt that rush other “normal” people feel when they accomplish a task. My brain got a little serotonin reward. I wasn’t anxiously ticking off the next thing I hadn’t yet done. Or ashamed at wasting time not getting more of what I was doing done, or taking too much time. Or feeling nearly despondent at the enormity of all that snow.

I later added Vyvanse to the mix, and realized my 15 hours of complete perfect caffeine buzz had nothing to do with the coffee I was drinking.

Vyvanse, to me, was like having enough working EzPass toll booths in place to handle all 64 lanes of thought going at all times. Every thought moved smoothly towards resolution.

Unfortunately, with Stratterra, I experienced two significant draw backs – unreliable sexual function, and I stopped remembering my dreams. I have no explanation for the sexual function issues, but my explanation for the dream stoppage was that my serotonin was no longer just floating around, but doing its job. I stopped Stratterra when I started dating again post-divorce. Not for the dreaming issue.

Vyvanse was a wonder drug. It should be tightly regulated. But off the Stratterra and on Vyvanse alone, I again could not remember my dreams.

Going drug free means that I lose my keys again more frequently, if I don’t follow my own system. I also have moments of confusion and bouts of anxiety more than when I have my traffic controllers in place.

But it’s worth it to have the parties going on in my subconscious at night, when all those thoughts become a mishmosh parking lot.

• This topic was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by benewb.